home & still hurting

i feel really weak and i'm pale... -_____________-
test results come in later on so... yay? -_-



i am hurting like crazy and how can he not care
he tells me he's sorry but he keeps doing it...
like how much more do i have to go through.
i know you want to be your own person but
seriously... you want me to be in your life...
shouldn't i be taken in consideration when
you do all these things... i sit at home crying
all fucking day & night. i can't stop thinking
about it, about you. i'm going crazy and you
keep adding onto it. i know i have done some
stupid things to you, but i think this is just
way too far. sleeping over at her house... like
what the fuck -_- i was with you for two
years and i didn't get the treatment she got...
you have only known her for less than a fucking
month... you have known me for two years...
and i get treated like shit compared to the
way you treat her. you definitely have your
guard up... this hurts way too much. i feel
like i can't handle all this anymore but it
doesnt matter to you. it's like you enjoy
watching me be broken and hurt... when is it
enough?! WHEN WILL IT EVER FUCKING
BE ENOUGH! how much pain do i have to go through!







last night around 12:15ish. i had an attack and fainted
i guess my mom called because i wouldn't wake up
so i was taken to the hospital. woke up and doc told
me that i had an attack and i should be okay after some
rest. this morning i had to take some tests and get a
check up to see what's wrong with me or if there's
anything wrong with me. all i got from it today was
that i need some time to get stronger (idk what he
means by that, i eavesdropped on him & my mom).
he also said that there might be problems with my
lungs & heart. mm... i won't know more till test
results come in.


he's always in my mind... i want him to stop
doing all this to me... i've been thinking...
why do i bother blogging? he's not gonna read
it & get it through his head that i'm about to
kill myself and all this is eating me up... and
even if he does read it, he's still going to do
everything he's doing + much more. i just
want to leave and go somewhere far... i just
don't want anymore of this. i wish the world
would just stop. i've been through so much
this summer and i don't think it's going to get
any better... i actually think it's going to get
worst. i lost my faith. why is He punishing me.


i don't know anymore... i just don't know