what.

vo: so tell me why u miss paul so much
me: i just do. he was the nicest guy i dated. he was real and it felt right with him. i love him. i miss being with him. his hugs were warm. when he hld me, it gave me butterflies and a tingle down my spine. his kisses were gentle and sweet. we had so much. i felt so many feelings with him.

i can go on and on and on about why i miss him so much...
i can touch on every detail... despite everything he has
done to me, i don't understand why i still love him and
miss him... i know we're not together anymore and that
i am just crazy... but... i grew up fighting for what i want...
it's a fight i'm not going to win, but for some reason, i
just keep fighting... i just don't get my heart... in my mind
i hate him and i'm mad at him but my heart keeps telling
my mind to shut up... my heart shows me that he's a good
guy... yeah sure, my heart is in a billion pieces... but every
single little piece is full of love for him. i miss him, i really
do. he doesn't understand how much i miss him... he just
wants me gone. gone gone gone. it makes me feel like i'm
not worth anything... i get suicidal. i get HELLA suicidal...


we got into an argument like an hourish ago... i had a knife
out, i had pills out. i was just about ready to end up...
khang texted me and tell me to stop and get out of my house
so i did. him and steph came and when i saw khang i just ran
to him, hugged him and cried... he's the only person i feel
comfortable around lately. the only one that can understand
how i feel... mm... )': steph came too <3 they just asked what
happened and i told them that he just said some things about
me. they said it isn't true and hes just saying that cause he's
mad... i know they're true. he's right. he's always right... mm...
after a little bit, my mom came out and told me to get back
inside the house. gave steph a hug and told khang bye. on the
way walking back to the house, my mom said that she's happy
that he cares for me.... surprised me because my parents don't
like khang... i think they still don't like him. *shrugs... mm...


i think it's healthier for both of us to just completely stop talking
to each other. he can have his happiness and he can have the
satisfaction of doing what he wants without me in his ear... as for
me, i guess i'll have that time away so i can focus on other things...
hopefully i can get over him for good... i just don't know how i
can go from completely loving someone and being happy because
you have them all to yourself to completely not having them and
watching them hanging out and falling for your ex friend... mmm.